Can someone get me a keyboard for women? This unisex one is too big for my feminine hands.
by Erin Chack
1. Hers and his ear plugs.
I couldn’t figure out why loud noises were waking me up at night. And then I realized: The pieces of foam I jammed into my ear canal weren’t PINK. Once I switched to pink ear plugs, I slept like a (female) baby.
2. Pens for her.
I kept breaking a nail every time I tried to write with a girthy man pen. Thank god Bic realized the gentle feminine hand requires a gentle feminine pen.
3. Men’s and women’s tea.
I drank man tea once. I’m still plucking the chest hairs.
4. Men’s tissues.
I was ankle-deep in my boyfriend’s mucus before we bought these man-sized Kleenex. Ordinary tissues just couldn’t contain his oversized, masculine boogers.
5. Girls’ clear tape.
Every time I tried to tape a picture of something I baked or cleaned into one of my pink scrapbooks with unisex tape, the scrapbook would burst into flames. But not with Just For Girl’s Sellotape! Now the only thing that’s burning is the steak I cook for my boyfriend (oopsie!).
6. Women’s and men’s shaving razors.
It’s a scientific fact that men’s hair is 100 to 200 times thicker than women’s due to their abounding testosterone and other manly juices. That’s why you should never, ever shave with a men’s razor if you’re a lady. It’ll take the skin clean off your shin. It’s science.
7. Boys’ and girls’ chocolate eggs.
The real surprise happens when you accidentally eat the wrong egg and your genitals fall off.
8. Girls’ energy drink.
It can get so tiring being a hysterical, menstrual mess all the time. Thankfully there’s an energy drink formulated especially for us girls. How else could we keep up the energy to bake and clean and cry all day?
9. Hair regrowth treatment for women and men.
10. Beer for women.
11. Women’s toolset.
The only tools that should be in here are a cell phone and your dad’s phone number, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?!
12. Women’s and men’s electric razors.
Did you not hear me before? THE SKIN. CLEAN OFF.
13. Girl’s microscope.
See? Girls can be scientists! As long as they look cute doing it. God forbid they’re caught in the lab looking into a black microscope. Then how would they find a husband?
14. Yogurt for men.
15. Blenders for women and men.
Men need a stronger blender so they can make smoothies thin enough to drink through their penises. That’s how men drink, right? I didn’t have a girl-microscope as a kid, so I never learned about biology.
16. Men’s and women’s face masks.
17. Boys’ and girls’ M&M’s.
18. Girls’ and boys’ baby toys.
19. Girl and boy gift cards.
20. Men’s and women’s socks.
21. Men’s and women’s deodorant.
